if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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