for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
