2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize