I'm jealous of your bromance
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
