Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
