he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
