It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
