Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
