True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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