You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
