I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
