And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
