Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
