are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
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I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
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Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
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