Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We have started to decorate penises.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
