I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
