You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
