Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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