I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
