Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
