woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
