Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
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He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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