i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
