Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
