You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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