yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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