peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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