dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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