Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
