If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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