Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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