i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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