Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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