I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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