Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just tell him i said nine months
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
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think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
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We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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