the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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