I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
