One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
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What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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