you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
