I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
