I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
