i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
