NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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