i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
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It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
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She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue