I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
