she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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