i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
