i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
