what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
