I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
