I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
