I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
