I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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