it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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