Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
